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Into the Void of Infinite Sadness

by pseudo-antigone

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1.
Caught up by viruses that say it is too late, corrupt my very ways to try to get by. My mental health is crashing down, the hours of endless spiralling, my soul devoured Caught up by viruses that say it is too late, corrupt my very ways to try to get by. My mental health is crashing down, the hours of endless spiralling, my soul devoured I asked if you were fine? You know, after loss after loss, the everyday is not what it was once, your every move is stunned the world’s glance skimming down your neck, perverted breath of illness creeping in, our loneliness, the separatedness, abysmal hell, the void of infinite sadness. Will I ever see you again? I gotta survive for now, with everything long gone, all abrupt and misconstrued favouring a haunting plague, detriment that is absurd You are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my mind, you are in my… Caught up by viruses that say it is too late, corrupt my very ways to try to get by. My mental health is crashing down, the hours of endless spiralling, my soul devoured Caught up by viruses that say it is too late, corrupt my very ways to try to get by. My mental health is crashing down, the hours of endless spiralling, my soul devoured Caught up by viruses that say it is too late, corrupt my very ways to try to get by. My mental health is crashing down, the hours of endless spiralling, my soul devoured
2.
I am bad bitch, baby, you can’t catch me Think I am going to compromise everything I really am? You are material, biological All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal Ya, I am trans, cis, kiss the ring of royalty you are embarrassing me in my limousine. J.K. Rowling crap, Gender critical All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal My parents at age 23 Decided to get married and then they had me, Where am I at age 23, Put on the maid catgirl outfit, Bend over your knees I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal I’m ethereal All you need to understand is that, bitch, I’m ethereal
3.
I know the way you have been looking at me for half a year, I stand for your failures and discontents, the restlessness that impelled you to drop colds calls, cold texts luring me into reaction, baiting me because you did not know how to get me, I stood my ground, and then you turned to anxious rages, impulsive tendencies, harassment and stalking for half a year. And here is the thing, you can’t fuck with me the way you have, because I know I am bad bitch, but the question really is do you? You are breathing down my neck, I’ve lost every ounce of respect that I’ve used to have for you and everything you do, all it took was half a year of disrespect spit, blasphemy, disdain for the good in front of you. Don’t confuse your whiteness for merit, we get it. You know nothing sacred, your friendships are enemies. The disposability of an obscene demand; and you thought that things were bad. You are one to go on to chastise, you are so holy, so divine, bro, can’t you quit it with your eyes, voyeurism in disguise. At a point it started to upset me, all these boundaries lines in the sand with you disregarding all I asked abhoration of a foreign tie. You are breathing down my neck, I’ve lost every ounce of respect that I’ve used to have for you and everything you do, all it took was half a year of disrespect spit, blasphemy, disdain (you don’t need my love) You are breathing down my neck, I’ve lost every ounce of respect that I’ve used to have for you and everything you do, all it took was half a year of disrespect spit, blasphemy, disdain
4.
Entre Pieles 05:09
Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Cada vez sieno obseno, atravez de tu mirada, la demanda que me alcanza cada vez que yo intento sentir lo que es mi cuerpo entre pieles hay el cuero de una muerte, es cierto de un entero momento Cada vez sieno obseno, atravez de tu mirada, la demanda que me alcanza cada vez que yo intento sentir lo que es mi cuerpo entre pieles hay el cuero de una muerte, es cierto de un entero momento Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Entre los dos, Entre los dos, Entre los dos, escogi, escogi yo Cada vez sieno obseno, atravez de tu mirada, la demanda que me alcanza cada vez que yo intento sentir lo que es mi cuerpo entre pieles hay el cuero de una muerte, es cierto de un entero momento Cada vez sieno obseno, atravez de tu mirada, la demanda que me alcanza cada vez que yo intento sentir lo que es mi cuerpo entre pieles hay el cuero de una muerte, es cierto de un entero momento Ya no me mantendraz en la misericordia en infierno ademas de una forma me mantendraz en la misericordia en infierno ademas de una forma Ya no me mantendraz en la misericordia en infierno ademas de una forma me mantendraz en la misericordia en infierno ademas de una forma
5.
54 letters is all it should take to make up your mind, make up your mind, And I know the way that you think, these social justice warriors are threating your speech, your freedom to screech, but honey, these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. 54 letters, Freudian slips 54 letters, Freudian slips 54 letters, Freudian slips 54 letters, Freudian slips these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. these are, these are, these are, these are, these are Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips. Freudian slips.
6.
HARD 02:42
I want to dance undisturbed in my bedroom, not bros around, not a club, not a venue, feeling my bod like it’s been just the first time my estradiol kicking in with a vengeance I want to dance undisturbed in my bedroom, not bros around, not a club, not a venue, feeling my bod like it’s been just the first time my estradiol kicking in with a vengeance Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes I want to dance undisturbed in my bedroom, not bros around, not a club, not a venue, feeling my bod like it’s been just the first time my estradiol kicking in with a vengeance I want to dance undisturbed in my bedroom, not bros around, not a club, not a venue, feeling my bod like it’s been just the first time my estradiol kicking in with a vengeance Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes Light in my eyes
7.
Intermission 01:30
8.
I really struggle with feeling alive. I have my whole life. Lately, my dreams feel more real than real more vivid and lucid than waking states. There are days that I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. I am hoping death is like that. I am tired of being told this is valid because it really is not. It really is not. It only makes me feel more engulfed away from the world. And then, there are these impulses to self-harm and push it all over the edge, it is as if I were trying to recreate some semblance of feeling alive, feeling something at all. I am already living way longer than I anticipated myself to be able to make it. And while that is seemingly moving along, it just feels like prolongation. I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground what time is it? what day is it? how long has it been since we hugged? i don't rly know i don't rly know how to get thru this without u i can't without u i can't do this alone i need u like the birds need the sky to fly high without u i cry without u i die i'd die i will walk up to ur window my friend til the end is it time? my dear friend, will u walk by my window? I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground I will walk up to your window, right when you are down, feeling off of the ground
9.
Everyday is the same, it don’t faze me, I don’t want to have to pretend like all this time it is literally fine, because I am starting to realize that this misery and death is careless enough. And how is it not? Every time we let it slide, rot, and die, how is it not? Every time that the systematic woes corrupt our very soul, How is it not? When anything is hardly getting by, How is it not? When to be alive you have to pay a certain price, How is it not? Not! How is it not? Not! How is it not? Not! How is it not? I don’t mean to upset you, I am just caught in a reaction, all this trauma jumps in action I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I can’t stand inactive, all these hours are reminders of lost time and futures past I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I don’t mean to upset you, I am just caught in a reaction, all this trauma jumps in action I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I can’t stand inactive, all these hours are reminders of lost time and futures past I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my The world’s starting to withdraw, isolated distance gaps, and I don’t even know if we’ll survive, and all we’ve lost and said goodbye I can’t bare to miss you, man, no I can’t bare to miss you, man Cuz all we’ve done isn’t enough, a time too soon before its queue and useless passion fueling my truth, all of this non-sense destroying you All of this nonsense destroying you Where do I go, to find the truth? I just leave my body Leave my body for a little while Then I don't gotta think about you Living off borrowed time the clock ticks faster That’s that shit that Doom said yeah he’s one of the masters What happens when all my heroes die? Will I even wanna do this music shit anymore? Cause their stories are my motivation And without any hunger, I’m basically just sitting waiting Kicking the rocks wasting time When really I could be one of the greatest of all time And I just manifest that Yeah Yeah Yeah I don’t mean to upset you, I am just caught in a reaction, all this trauma jumps in action I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I can’t stand inactive, all these hours are reminders of lost time and futures past I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I don’t mean to upset you, I am just caught in a reaction, all this trauma jumps in action I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I can’t stand inactive, all these hours are reminders of lost time and futures past I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I don’t mean to upset you, I am just caught in a reaction, all this trauma jumps in action I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my I can’t stand inactive, all these hours are reminders of lost time and futures past I can’t open my eyes, open my eyes, open my Open my eyes, open my eyes, open my… open my eyes, open my eyes, open my… open my eyes.
10.
Lullabies 03:51
I will sing lullabies to hold you by my side and I do realize that this will leave a mark on the way we live our lives and everything we are there is no going back Last year’s mental breakdown is always in my mind, my insecurity has me always paralyzed looped in ideations of my suicide, oh my oh my. My therapist have told me that I hate myself for things I can’t remember or aren’t making sense, the systematic bureaucratic endlessness shedding of my vocal corpse as… I will sing lullabies to hold you by my side and I do realize that this will leave a mark on the way we live our lives and everything we are there is no going back The insurmountable world above, I don’t want to let you down. And we can’t hide behind all these numbers and graphs, at a point, they abstract senseless laissez-faire affairs political closed-hands and all that I have left is I will sing lullabies to hold you by my side and I do realize that this will leave a mark on the way we live our lives and everything we are there is no going back
11.
Sigma Male 02:15
Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Oh boy, i get you, I really get you. Oh boy, i get you, I really get you. Megaman X, battling with the mavericks, Sigma in command, but it isn’t like that, you aren’t moving around yet getting all the bank You aren’t Alpha, you are effortless, you put none of yourself away, you are sneaking your enemies worst nightmare past their impenetrable guard Brain Force, Soyboys, Alex Jones, you guys got some Testosterone, bro? Making freaking frogs gay Chewing on that redpill, blurring fact and fiction, dad asks, r u winning son? And I don’t know if I am a son. Maybe I understand that I am not like that, that I am not like that, that I am not like that. Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Sigma Male, Teach me how you’ll be my man Teach me how you’ll be my man Teach me how you’ll be my man Teach me how you’ll be my man Teach me how you’ll be my man
12.
I dance with the lights out, baby, that way no one can ever see you, party by the light of night, silly, my way, my party all night gotta let it all out somehow, now going really hard at the dance floor, damn, didn’t even realize all the times we could have had. No floor, no walls, no ceiling this is my whole world I'm reeling now sweating out the energy of a whole year sharpened inside of me no volume, no bodies but I get more bruised than I ever did nothing to soften the blows when you exercise demons alone And I will light a candle ask for, my own hand it's a way of checking in that my body wants to be thrown around be thrown around I dance with the lights out, baby, that way no one can ever see you, party by the light of night, silly, my way, my party all night gotta let it all out somehow, now going really hard at the dance floor, damn, didn’t even realize all the times we could have had. I dance with the lights out, baby, that way no one can ever see you, party by the light of night, silly, my way, my party all night gotta let it all out somehow, now going really hard at the dance floor, damn, didn’t even realize all the times we could have had.
13.
5 a.m. 02:38
I woke up at 5 am, it isn’t the same when I lose sleep to pointless things like my fear to tell you how I feel when the answer is always “love” and I can’t wrestle away The distance feels like endless hours, the way my insight feels lost in the darkness, it’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same. I woke up at 5 am, it isn’t the same when I lose sleep to pointless things like my fear to tell you how I feel when the answer is always “love” and I can’t wrestle away The distance feels like endless hours, the way my insight feels lost in the darkness, it’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same. I will miss hanging out with you, even when the world won’t let me, I don’t ever feel at rest sitting by my lonesome awful mess I will miss hanging out with you, even when the world won’t let me, I don’t ever feel at rest sitting by my lonesome awful mess I will miss hanging out with you, even when the world won’t let me, I don’t ever feel at rest sitting by my lonesome awful mess I will miss hanging out with you, even when the world won’t let me, I don’t ever feel at rest sitting by my lonesome awful mess
14.
I am scared that I might gonna lose it all, Couldn’t talk to you, couldn’t face the world, couldn’t bare enough, I am broken down and weary, I am exhausted, I feel emptyness, I am not present, I am ghost of all my woes, I am a figment of a psyche, I am stuck on all these moments, I see nowhere, I see nevermore and less I don’t know if I am enough in this senseless everyday, repetition of my very own death. All these voices in my head, I am collapsing by the bathroom mirror fragmenting every sense of my self, And I realize I could have seen me the way I am in all its rawness, and this Restlessness in everything, the death instinct pulling strings, the mechanistic tendency of self-defeat; and I don’t know what it could be, the thing ahead of every intention, perversions of a will to live. And I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know, I don’t know.
15.
You have really fucked me up, don’t pretend like you mean shit Every time you speak out loud, all I hear is a bunch of blah blah blah and the scene that you make about all these tears and these broken lives behind a sense of pompous properness, it’s fucked up I am so tired, this is fucked up. I am so tired, this is fucked up. You have really fucked me up, don’t pretend like you mean shit Every time you speak out loud, all I hear is a bunch of blah blah blah and the scene that you make about all these tears and these broken lives behind a sense of pompous properness, it’s fucked up Maybe I just wanna know every time you made me do, every time you made me do that. Maybe I just wanna know every time you made me do, every time you made me do that. Maybe I just wanna know every time you made me do, every time you made me do that. Maybe I just wanna know every time you made me do, every time you made me do that. You have really fucked me up, don’t pretend like you mean shit Every time you speak out loud, all I hear is a bunch of blah blah blah and the scene that you make about all these tears and these broken lives behind a sense of pompous properness, it’s fucked up

about

Into the Void of Infinite Sadness is pseudo-antigone’s first full-length record which continues the artist’s early exploration of her development as a producer. IVIS takes a multi-faceted look at various vignettes of the last year living under the pandemic. The artist reflects on the pandemic itself, the personal and interpersonal transformations lived through it, the institutional frustrations perpetuating it, the comforts found in the midst of it, the moments right before it, as well as the constant restlessness it inspires. Ambitious in its wide-ranging sound and collective spirit, pseudo-antigone’s IVIS aims at making a compassionate and playful space to revisit these scenes that have radically changed everyday life.

credits

released May 7, 2021

pseudo-antigone – composition, production, mixing, mastering
Pictures of a Neighbourhood – composition on “Sigma Male;” composition and performance on “All the Clubs that Could Have Been;” mixing on “How to become an internet catgirl”
PLEASEBENiCE – mixing on “Sigma Male;” vocals on “In Search of Lost Time”
cherri satin – vocals on “How to become an internet catgirl”
Sad China – vocals on “Window Visits”
Paxsi - artwork

Pictures of a Neighbourhood: picturesofaneighbourhood.bandcamp.com
PLEASEBENiCE: pleasebeniceyo.bandcamp.com
cherri satin: cherrisatin.bandcamp.com
Sad China: sadchina.bandcamp.com

Big thank you to Ty and Iris for always being open to hearing what I am working on and providing so much helpful feedback in my development as a producer. Sunny and Jules for being enthusiastic to join this endeavour and playing along with the ideas going into this record. Paxsi and Billy, thank you for being down to take on some of the non-music aspects of this, you are both so kind.

Also a big, big thank you to Ashanti and Xandra - your kind feedback and motivating enthusiasm on my production gave me that last push I needed to actually finish this and be proud of it. Having your own respective work to admire is inspiring.

Lastly, to my wife Jordan for the last few months of making it through the apocalypse couped up in a house together but trying to do our best around it. Also to Ricky, as you are just an enriching and loving part of everyday life to me, thank you for all the loving support making it through this. And of course, to all the friends and acquaintances who have been there in the midst of all of this.

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pseudo-antigone Edmonton, Alberta

Atenea

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